i can only imagine what i already know

(Downtown Aurora 2002, 35mm B&W)

i do not know if i believe Death is real

Until it happens, Death is like the lochness monster

Bigfoot, God, the Devil, Jimmy Hoffa

angels dancing on the heads of matchstick men

the phone ringing and you already know who is calling

that last word in the Sunday crossword

the ultimate truth or everything we never believed

meeting the toothfairy on the subway at 6am on a Monday eating a croissant and reading the Times

the dance step you can never quite get

the piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth

Does personifying death satisfy me?

It still looms, large as an ostrich egg in a hummingbird nest.

I still cannot fathom non-exsistence.

nocturnal emissions

(Downtown Aurora 2003, 35mm B&W)
It seems like the only time I have anything to say is in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or find myself suddenly awake and half lucid. I lay in bed having what I consider profound thoughts & I think about getting up to warm myself by the light of the computer monitor. I usually don't - and eventually I fall back asleep, the flurry of thoughts lost in another insomniac night.

I haven't gone to bed yet & I don't know if I have anything to say - but it's been awhile since I posted anything in bloggyland. I am writing to myself. I don't write here often & I don't read too many others enough to be considered an active participant. I don't really write too much of anything anymore. I suppose that when I do feel my elusive muse begin to crap on my head I should get my ass out of bed and to the computer or a notebook.

I have discovered the wonderful, addictive, juvenile joy that is Myspace. I am vindicated. I have Friends. I have Comments. I am Enlightened.

I feel pretty darn good about life. Motherhood suits me well & so does not getting drunk every night. However, this glass of Cab tastes great...

Why is it that I love the lonely, quiet hours of the night? I don't think that will ever change and I will just have to learn to accept it.

bah.... jose cuervo... yeah

Fuck a duck. I wish i could expound on the stupid crappy thoughts that wander my margarita-addled mind but i can't. So i can only sit here, download more fabulously inane music and wait for something to emerge from the haze...

memories are made of this

("Cigarette in the Ashtray" 2003, Kodak slide film)

It's one am and i can't fall asleep. i'm tired as hell but my brain refuses to stop running. If i was still a drunk i'd go get a glass of wine...or take some pills to calm the nasties in my head. I keep thinking about people i knew that are now dead.

See, this pregnant woman got killed by a drunk driver the other day and it really bothers me. Then i think about drunk drivers - i was once the victim of a drunk driver - i think about how many times i drove drunk, how many of my friends drive drunk on a regular basis, i am thinking about my friend Gabe that killed himself and another passenger Memorial Day weekend in 04 on route 30 in big rock coming back from a night of long drinking - i saw his dad at Jewel on Sunday - he had a tan because he just returned from the bahamas - see, the last two christmases he and his family have left for the islands during the holidays because it's too hard to be around here. his spirit was crushed the night his son died - gabe was the one who made him a dad and it's hard to look at him sometimes and not cry.

i watched this stupid movie on tbs tonight called Angel Eyes - it had j lo in it - i cried a lot towards the end - now i can't sleep cuz i feel sad. i want to wake my baby up and kiss her. i don't know why it sometimes feels good to be sad - not like some sixteen year old goth kid carving her flesh to The Cure sad - but just Sad - like, "damn, people i love will keep dying and that's ok, but it still hurts to know this"

Well, i'm ok, you're ok - Life is Suffering and calming white waves wash over me...

5.20.06

(still from "Funny Face"1957)
i finally sucked it up and decided to start planning our wedding. Ever since june when we got engaged we have been discussing the whole wedding thing. it started with steve wanting the traditional churchy thing with his bff's parading around him like lovesick penguins and me a gilded lily gracefully floating down the aisle... yeah freaking right - i am not one of those silly broads who started planning her wedding about the same time as her first menses. i just never cared or figured anyone would be nutty enough to marry me. i wanted none of the usual frills - i don't like being the center of attention and frankly i'm too lazy to plan a wedding. it's important to steve so i am planning away - but the ceremony isn't in a church and the reception won't be in some banquet hall with over-cooked prime rib or dried out chicken - it will be in the great out-of-doors - i'm picturing Gatsby's Last Stand. Yeehaw. Actually, i hate to admit but i'm sort of getting into the whole thing - but not to fear, i have a great attitude about it - i won't stress about perfection since it doesn't exist and if things to go as planned, oh freaking well, at the end of the day we'll still be married & our friends and family will have had free food and booze. I have my friend/maid of honor/bitch at my beck and call to reign me in - she told me "no swans!" damnit, that would have been ridiculously cool and completely pretentious. i still might try to sneak them in - 'course my folks are footing the bill and i'm not sure how they feel about ill-tempered avian decor.

what a drag it is getting old...

(Still from Donna Reed show)
I should be doing a lot of things right now - dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc. I feel like a crappy housewife. Me and la bambina have colds & I don't feel like doing a darn thing 'cept sleeping. I went online to find out how much i can sell my big green boat for and was tickled pink to find out i don't owe more than its worth. Oh happy day. So the ad goes in the paper on Friday & I suppose I should get one of those damn signs. My mom is selling me her Jeep for a great price. I will join the ranks of SUV driving Soccormommies. Shit, i need to shop more or something.

Steve and I have been playing board games lately. I am obsessed with Scrabble. Steve keeps kicking my ass though. Last Saturday we had Steve's 10 year old brother over for the night. I made roast chicken with all the trimmings. We played Monopoly and I lost miserably. If i don't get Boardwalk & Park Place I sulk like little girl with grapejuice on her party dress. We drank tea and hot chocolate. It was great. It's been nice to rediscover the simple pleasures in life. I don't need booze or drugs or other people's bullshit to feel fulfilled. I am enlightened.

adoro caballos

(Lascaux cave drawing of Chinese horse)

A few nights ago while i was up feeding my daughter i saw a program on the National Geographic Channel about horses, more specifically, wild horses, zebras & burros. I was completely fascinated. I did not know how complex of a social structure these magnificent animals have.

The closest i have ever come to riding a horse was sitting on some poor pony as it was lead around a circle. I loved riding ponies at Blackberry Farm as a child. I had a favorite named "Sox". She was black with white markings on her legs. I wonder whatever happened to "Sox". I should ask my friend Katie if she knows, as she spent a summer when she was an adolescent shoveling horse dung at the park. I always felt a bit sorry for those animals as they plodded monotonously around a ring with fat, abusive children on their backs, but now i feel even worse after watching the documentary.

Last year i went to the county fair and looked at the horses that the 4-H kids were exhibiting. I was amazed at their sheer size and visible strength. They were absolutely beautiful and the only redeeming quality of the whole event (making fun of inbred carnies aside). Looking into their eyes I detected curiosity and intelligence. They would peer at me through their long lashes and I was captivated.

That summer i also worked for the Kane County Farm Bureau for a couple of months and i worked at the "Farm Zoo" that the Bureau sponsored. There was a miniature horse (not a pony) among the displayed animals. I fell in love with her. I wanted to rescue her from the ignorant farmer's kids who owned her. One day they never showed up to feed and water her. And when they were there they didn't pay her much mind. She was such a sweetheart. I shared my granola bar with her & gave her kisses. I miss that little horse.

The other day there was a fire around here and almost 40 horses perished in the blaze. They suspect arson. People that are cruel to animals are at the very top of my list of People I Want to Disembowel.

It is a dream of mine to someday live somewhere that i can keep a couple of goats, maybe some Narragansett turkeys and perhaps an equestrian friend.

So I have horses on the brain right now. I want to learn more about them. Horses rock.