And silence.

Split seams, frayed threads, and google eyes. That's just the beginning.

Split seams, frayed threads, and google eyes. That's just the beginning., originally uploaded by Annie Ominous.

Jen: An Epilogue

(Happy trails to you 'till we meet again... )

The time has drawn nigh to send this blog to pasture. While I could say that I was forced into early retirement, I don't really believe that to be true. Honestly, I am looking forward to starting over in a voice that more closely echoes my own.

My first post was in August of 2005 and I have only sporadically blogged since then. I started a couple of weeks after the birth of my daughter. I had a few friends who had blogs and I thought it might be an interesting outlet for introspection and self-obsessed rants.

Since the beginning, this place been a point of contention in a pathetically puerile way. Temper tantrums are so boring and I have a two-year old which from I receive the recommended daily allowance thankyouverymuch.

Here is an elephants' graveyard of poorly edited thoughts and feelings. It lacks cohesion as well as content. While there are a few musings that I am proud to have penned, I will not mourn the lot as a whole. I am done watching this blog falter as it lugs around a big, black trash bag full of half-truths.

My friend must be a Bird is now officially known as The Most Boring Museum in the Midwest. Admission is free on Wednesdays.

In closing I would like to thank the few of you who would stop in regularly to see what I had to say. It feels good knowing that sometimes I was heard. I won't be far and if you want to find me, I'll be the one holding a rubber chicken.

With Love and Squalor,

Jen

Lament?

(Disclaimer: I got a little tipsy last night & found a keyboard. Sorry y 'all.)

Sometimes joy carries a sting. It is simple to chalk up past experiences to the bastard Fate and rationalize years of complicity as just that, convenience and lack of discomfort. I spent years in a self-induced state of calculated comfort. I lost so much damn time because I was too afraid to express a semblance of human emotion. Ah...the harsh lessons we learn. I did not realize how closed off and patently inaccessible I was four years ago. Wasted time and wasted space and here I sit lamenting about missed embraces and I want to break large pieces of pottery - dash them against a wiling surface and scream until my vocal chords rupture. Does this sound melodramatic and weak? I don't give a sterile fuck. This is where I sit right now. Broken and bruised over lost years and hubris. Goddamn if I can't get over it tonight. While everything comes up roses and sunshine, I still feel shitty about what has been lost.

Form follows function

The last few days I haven't felt that great. I have been angry and frustrated with situations that are largely out of my control, namely the actions of other people. Usually I'm pretty good at keeping my head, but I've have lost it a few times. Last night the anger was replaced by an eerie calm. While I enjoy the brief interludes of objectivity and a slightly flat affect, it is perceived by others as cold and detached.

More than one person thinks that my lack of outward emotion indicates that I am unfeeling. This is not the case, but it is how I operate much of the time. I don't have much control over when the switch is flipped. I like to think I do, and sometimes I can voluntarily quell my emotions and reactions to things on such a level that I cannot even perceive them myself unless I completely deconstruct.

I don't particularly like this dead horizon right now, but it is what I see when I look out the window. I have been running on raw feeling for a while and I finally cracked. This sounds worse than it actually is. Down-time is good for me and allows me to examine my motivations and reactions from a more objective viewpoint.

Please, don't mistake this for anything other than what it is.

Happy October, Y'all

2007 was an impatient year, but you will log no complaints from me. '06 ended with a pantload of uncertainty and a shot of hope.

One cold January night I went to bed with a stinging sadness but had the most amazing dream. The next morning, after clearing the sleep from my eyes, I found that the world had changed, or maybe it was just me. The bite in the air that kept me in a state of hibernation was gone. Spring came early this year, or maybe it was late. Either way, I woke up.

Summer is admitting defeat and deferring to Autumn. Soon it will be winter and for the first time in my life, I am impatient for the first snowfall. I look forward to the frozen terra and long nights because I finally got a good pair of gloves and a warm coat.

Transmutation

It is similar to a large body of slow moving water. Really.