Today is an 8

If I continue this trajectory, by day's end I will be smiling from atop of my compost heap. Love and happiness.

it's not much, but it's a start

Life is fraught with possibilities and I am trying to become brave so that I may have an opportunity to live.

Some Constant Worries

• Riding in automobiles
• Flying
• Bees
• Heights
• Dogs
• Swimming in oceans, lakes, ponds & rivers (fear of aquatic flora & fauna??)
• Death (Fear of Loss)
• Heartbreak
  
• Having my wisdom teeth removed

I don't know if these are things I'm going to get over in my lifetime, but I hope that I may be able to allay some of these fears a bit. The most profound anxiety is usually caused by being in the car, especially in heavy traffic and as a passenger. This has kept me from doing many things over the years. The root is lack of control, over both the driver and other vehicles on the road. Dumbdumbdumb.

I am also a hypochondriac, which I like to blame on my mother and the Internet.

I hate that I have panic attacks and experience anxiety and obsessive thoughts on a regular basis. I like to be rational and in control of my life and when I melt down it's embarrassing. Last night I freaked out pretty badly and felt shitty about it today. The funny thing is that while in the throes of a full-blown attack I am cognizant of my irrationality and yet I cannot reason my way out of it easily. The problem is that I am trying to fix something with a broken tool. The most effective method I've found for calming myself is counting backwards from 100, sometimes in increments of seven.

The point of all this is that I have been controlled by fear for my entire life. I am so afraid of failure that I never try. I worry all the time that people think I'm stupid because I work in a restaurant and don't have a piece of paper qualifying me for some lame-ass, white-collar career. Yet I never really tried to do much of anything and whenever I'd get close to achieving some goal I'd stop because I worried I would fail. It's easier to be perceived as an over-qualified nobody than an ordinary someone. Even now I wonder what my motivations are.

I'm working on these issues because I want to live life as a whole person and I don't want my fears to control me. I know that I have performed some personally staggering feats of bravery in the last year and for that I feel good.

Today, doot doot doo

Make a note - I woke up in a pleasant mood this morning. Typically I am unfit for civil conversation before my first cup of coffee, but this AM I'm feelin' alright.

Gail will be over in a little while so that Mad and I may accompany her to the Oswego Art Fair. I'm happy to have found an art show partner. I am looking forward to Festival of the Vine in September, as it blends two of my favorite things - Art & Wine.

I think Mad is waking up...that is all for now.

Shit

I'm exhausted. The last few months have been tiresome and a little stressful. This week has been painful and difficult. I am about ready to sleep for a week. I am looking forward to Saturday and hope that floating down the river will heal some of these wounds.

Yesterday, I saw a friend buried. I don't have a whole lot to say about it. He was a good person and he always made me smile. I cared about him a lot and it breaks my heart that he's gone. I had to look at his lifeless body two days in a row and listen to his mother's pitiful wails. I hate this shit. When I die I don't want my overly made-up corpse put on display so that people can wander by and go "She looks good...really natural" Bullshit. Fuck that.

The recent events in my life have caused fall-out in unexpected places. I became a big pebble dropped in a little pond. I don't feel very good about that but I cannot change it either.