Some Constant Worries
- Riding in automobiles
- Flying
- Bees
- Heights
- Dogs
- Swimming in oceans, lakes, ponds & rivers (fear of aquatic flora & fauna??)
- Death (Fear of Loss)
- Heartbreak
- Having my wisdom teeth removed
I am also a hypochondriac, which I like to blame on my mother and the Internet.
I hate that I have panic attacks and experience anxiety and obsessive thoughts on a regular basis. I like to be rational and in control of my life and when I melt down it's embarrassing. Last night I freaked out pretty badly and felt shitty about it today. The funny thing is that while in the throes of a full-blown attack I am cognizant of my irrationality and yet I cannot reason my way out of it easily. The problem is that I am trying to fix something with a broken tool. The most effective method I've found for calming myself is counting backwards from 100, sometimes in increments of seven.
The point of all this is that I have been controlled by fear for my entire life. I am so afraid of failure that I never try. I worry all the time that people think I'm stupid because I work in a restaurant and don't have a piece of paper qualifying me for some lame-ass, white-collar career. Yet I never really tried to do much of anything and whenever I'd get close to achieving some goal I'd stop because I worried I would fail. It's easier to be perceived as an over-qualified nobody than an ordinary someone. Even now I wonder what my motivations are.
I'm working on these issues because I want to live life as a whole person and I don't want my fears to control me. I know that I have performed some personally staggering feats of bravery in the last year and for that I feel good.
2 comments:
which I like to blame on my mother and the Internet - lmao i hear that!!
i too have sabotaged myself when close to achieving something. i guess it means i was afraid at succeeding. this has been a theme in my life from very young. the funny thing is that i have to have confidence and faith in order to achieve something. without it, the fear takes over. also, what i've learned, is that i'm worth it. i'm worth achieving what i set out to. in some cosmic way, i was supposed to. when i did not, due to my hand, i was robbing myself of what was rightfully mine.
and fuck what everyone else thinks!! (harder said than done) you don't need anything, including a piece of a tree, to prove your worth. you were born with worth, it is ingrained in you, regardless of what this temporary world says. the greatest minds of this world did not have a piece of this magic tree to prove their worth. their actions and achievements spoke and continue to speak for themselves.
great post, love the new format :o)
Natalie makes me smile.
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