what a drag it is getting old...

(Still from Donna Reed show)
I should be doing a lot of things right now - dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc. I feel like a crappy housewife. Me and la bambina have colds & I don't feel like doing a darn thing 'cept sleeping. I went online to find out how much i can sell my big green boat for and was tickled pink to find out i don't owe more than its worth. Oh happy day. So the ad goes in the paper on Friday & I suppose I should get one of those damn signs. My mom is selling me her Jeep for a great price. I will join the ranks of SUV driving Soccormommies. Shit, i need to shop more or something.

Steve and I have been playing board games lately. I am obsessed with Scrabble. Steve keeps kicking my ass though. Last Saturday we had Steve's 10 year old brother over for the night. I made roast chicken with all the trimmings. We played Monopoly and I lost miserably. If i don't get Boardwalk & Park Place I sulk like little girl with grapejuice on her party dress. We drank tea and hot chocolate. It was great. It's been nice to rediscover the simple pleasures in life. I don't need booze or drugs or other people's bullshit to feel fulfilled. I am enlightened.

adoro caballos

(Lascaux cave drawing of Chinese horse)

A few nights ago while i was up feeding my daughter i saw a program on the National Geographic Channel about horses, more specifically, wild horses, zebras & burros. I was completely fascinated. I did not know how complex of a social structure these magnificent animals have.

The closest i have ever come to riding a horse was sitting on some poor pony as it was lead around a circle. I loved riding ponies at Blackberry Farm as a child. I had a favorite named "Sox". She was black with white markings on her legs. I wonder whatever happened to "Sox". I should ask my friend Katie if she knows, as she spent a summer when she was an adolescent shoveling horse dung at the park. I always felt a bit sorry for those animals as they plodded monotonously around a ring with fat, abusive children on their backs, but now i feel even worse after watching the documentary.

Last year i went to the county fair and looked at the horses that the 4-H kids were exhibiting. I was amazed at their sheer size and visible strength. They were absolutely beautiful and the only redeeming quality of the whole event (making fun of inbred carnies aside). Looking into their eyes I detected curiosity and intelligence. They would peer at me through their long lashes and I was captivated.

That summer i also worked for the Kane County Farm Bureau for a couple of months and i worked at the "Farm Zoo" that the Bureau sponsored. There was a miniature horse (not a pony) among the displayed animals. I fell in love with her. I wanted to rescue her from the ignorant farmer's kids who owned her. One day they never showed up to feed and water her. And when they were there they didn't pay her much mind. She was such a sweetheart. I shared my granola bar with her & gave her kisses. I miss that little horse.

The other day there was a fire around here and almost 40 horses perished in the blaze. They suspect arson. People that are cruel to animals are at the very top of my list of People I Want to Disembowel.

It is a dream of mine to someday live somewhere that i can keep a couple of goats, maybe some Narragansett turkeys and perhaps an equestrian friend.

So I have horses on the brain right now. I want to learn more about them. Horses rock.

a few things i'd like to do before i die

(Paris New Years Day 2004, 35mm B&W film)

learn how to knit

play chess

make a stained glass window

take a wine tasting class

go to italy

speak spanish fluently

visit the louvre

get a pygmy goat

have a fondue party

drive manual transmission

build a darkroom in my house

play piano

salsa dance in mexico

my last three remaining braincells wanted me to tell you hello & that they are doing fine

(Fence in Aurora Library parking lot 2003, 35mm B&W film)
I am so very tired. Caring for an eight week old is taking it's toll on my sanity. Revision: lack of adequate sleep caused by caring for this small person is kicking my ass. The last couple of years as well as my entire pregnancy was plagued by insomnia. I could not fall asleep and stay asleep before 5am without a chemical lullaby. Being the conscientious mother that i am i did not use any unnatural sleep aids during my incubation period save for the couple of nights i was so desperate for sleep that i took benadryl (my friend the OB RN said go for it). You see, I could sleep very easily and soundly from the hours of 7am - 2pm. However, not working third shift this sleep pattern did not work out so well for being a constructive individual. I ended up dropping out of school my last semester because i wanted to sleep, but i convinced myself that i dropped my classes, which i might add i was doing very well in, because i was denied financial aid and couldn't finishing paying for my classes. I was feeling pretty ambitious two weeks ago about returning in January to take the last four classes i need but i am afraid the whole no sleep thing will just make me tired and depressed again. So i sit here drinking coffee and bitching about being tired. I guess what i find sadly amusing is that for years i couldn't (literally) sleep and now i can't (not allowed) sleep.

Here is an example of how new motherhood is turning me into a caricature of the brain dead new mommy: I went to Dunkin Donuts yesterday morning to get a bagel before work. I get up to the window, pay for my bagel and am off on my merry way. Too bad i didn't stick around long enough to actually get the damn thing. I realized after i was turning into the parking lot at my work that i had left without receiving my eggandcheeseonasalsabagel. Hunger outweighed dignity and so i turned around and went back. I felt like an idiot but i had my bagel. I did laugh at myself, but it was there was a sick sort of desperation behind my laughter.

As for now, my own personal tiny human demands my undivided attention...

Pondside 2005 digital

i like trees

(2003 at Leroy Oakes, 35mm sepia toned on photoshop)

coloring outside the lines

("Oil Pan" 2003 Kodak VS E100 slide film)
I do not want to raise my daughter to think that she has to act like a girl. Because that is what it is - an act. Why is it that little boys get to wear bold and colorful clothes with dinosaurs, solar systems and trucks while girls are expected to simper in delicate pastel outfits that say things like "future princess"? Did anyone ever think that maybe girls like color and machinery and have aspirations to be firefighters or construction workers. The same goes for boys - did anyone ever stop to ask little Billy if he might like to take dance lessons or play with kittens?

Little boys ask for Barbies and rarely get them - their ignorant parents think it will make them gay. Girls are praised for being beautiful, well-behaved and helpful while boys are lauded for their intelligence and physical aptitude. While its true that boys are typically more spatially coordinated and girls possess more emotional intelligence that does not mean that other abilities should not be fostered to the same degree. I want my daughter to be strong, confident, beautiful, smart and sweet - i don't think that is impossible.

When a girl is constantly told how pretty she is she grows up believing her physical appearance is her greatest asset. Of course i want my daughter to be attractive - but that should not be her life's ambition. I guess i am annoyed because i look at what sort of toys, clothing and games are geared towards either male or female children and i think the sexism is unfair to both genders.

I vow to raise my daughter in a fairly gender neutral enviroment. I will not teach her to be "ladylike" - i will raise her to be polite and compassionate, the same as i would instruct a son. This is not to say that she will not wear pink dresses or play with dolls, but i want her to know there are other options out there. It's all about balance.