I beg your pardon

Monday, I saw a hummingbird up close for the first time and I'm still thinking about it tonight. I was sitting on the front stoop having a smoke when he suddenly appeared about two feet from my face hovering around some bright pink flowers. He was an iridescent greenish color and I was completely awestruck. It just seemed magical; like seeing a fairy or a chupacabra (maybe not quite like seeing a murderous, goat-sucking beast, but you get the general idea).

I think the point of this is not so much that I saw a hummingbird, but that my reaction was intense and damn joyful. I've been telling people all week about my siting and the response hasn't come anywhere close to validating my emotions. I am a lucky duck that a chance encounter with very small bird can bring me so much pleasure.

Finding happiness in the little things is what really matters because that's what comprises most of our lives. If you wait for something enormous or obvious you're wasting time and time is a precious commodity when it's all you really have. The idea that our breaths are numbered resonates with me tonight. I'm still scared and largely immobile, but I'm working on this whole bravery thing.

Today wasn't great. I spent it packing the remnants of my life, saying goodbye to scuffed floorboards and sweeping up broken glass. It was not wholly depressing as it indicates a sign of life on the horizon. It was an unpleasant undertaking, but I feel better now that it's almost over with. Saturday is for lifting heavy things. Any volunteers?

I didn't make the bed until about an hour ago. An unmade bed makes me feel angry and slovenly. If I don't make it in the morning I will do it at night, even if I am planning on going to bed immediately. I can't even see the bed right now, but if I hadn't fixed it I would not be able to concentrate.

Honestly, I may stupid to think this is normal,

But I do.