...vacillation rhymes with masturbation.
AND, I have been in limbo. Not the fun Chubby Checker Goes to the Islands brand either. I am trying to evolve from this ongoing, self-imposed stasis. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when i stopped caring, but it happened sometime in the last five years.
Once upon a time I felt confident in my endeavors. I had motivation and some sort of misguided ambition. I was free because i was not afraid. Though i am a resilient person, my ego has taken some blows over the years. And because of this i resigned myself to mediocrity and the path of least resistance. I am not going to kick myself in the ass anymore about any decisions i have made. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and get my journey in gear.
I have been trying to creatively solve my issues. I have been taking time to sift through the myriad of emotions i've been experiencing. And while there is nothing concrete yet, i am slowly reviving a sense of self and confidence.
This is not to say that i am healed or whole, but i am hopefully clawing my way to a place where the wounds and scars are less apparent.
The best and worst things in my life are other people. We hold mirrors up to one another, intentionally or otherwise. But we all look at things through a filter and our interpretations of other's actions and of our own, suffer as they are diffused through our desires and fears.
That is what life is pretty much about. Fear and Desire. We are wretched, simple creatures with delusions of grandeur. We sleep, eat, shit and screw like most any other species, but it's that super-sized frontal lobe that fucks us up every time. It leads us to try and ascribe meaning to the behaviors and motivations of others. Hooray for evolution.
Updates
My bestest girlfriend, Katie's baby was born yesterday after a long and painful (is there any other) childbirth. All 6lbs 5oz of little Ashlynn Rose sprang forth from Katie's vagina at 6:15am. I am so proud of her for intentionally becoming impregnated and birthing a new person. Her husband text (texted??) me a couple of pictures and i must say that she is quite adorable. Congratulations, Katie. May our daughters never meet and do the drugs we did as adolescents. XX!
AND Frank the Bunny is getting pretty big. When he poops it looks like someone spilled a bowl of Coco Puffs. Maddie has taken to calling him Frankpoop.
One final note: I Heart Yous
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3 comments:
wow. true, eloquently put and humorous all at the same time. bravo!! it's a masterpiece. seriously
love this -
"but it's that super-sized frontal lobe that fucks us up every time"
thank you for your kindness
I adore you.
I've realized I surround myself with people who can write what I think....if I wrote it, it would also look like someone spilled Coco Puffs! :o)
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