Diamonds & Rust

(Arlington National Cemetary 2007, Nikon D40)

Saturday night I was blogging under the influence. Fortunately Sunday morning I had the sense to delete what I only vaguely remembered writing a few hours earlier. Needless to say there are many reasons one should not venture onto the Internet while in a Bombay Sapphire induced state of melancholy.

I don't write particularly well and I suppose that after a few drinks i cease to fully edit my internal monologue as it splashes onto the screen. What i mean is that what comes out after a half-bottle of Cab is more honest.

I am an open & friendly sort of person. I typically don't shy away from personal questions & i like talking about myself a little too much. However, i am a guarded person when it comes to certain things. I don't like to show emotional pain. I want to be tough & for the most part i am. I am an empathetic person but i am detached from those i love. Things that should upset me don't, and things that shouldn't, do. I'll blame it on the stars.

I want to be healthy. I eat pretty well, rarely exercise, have drastically cut down on coffee consumption & switched to green tea. I don't drink very much anymore, i don't smoke unless i'm drinking. But i need to do more to take care of myself. This body is my vehicle & i want to use it to hike & move about the world.

I have been doing well in my classes & applied to different schools. I am trying to pull a decent life together. And my life is good. My discomfort is uncalled for. I shouldn't have cause to feel alone. But i still feel that ache; it is a constant dull ache located in the middle of my chest, a little to the left. And it's the damnedest thing.

My brother has announced himself as libertarian, objectivist, atheist. Well, at least that is what i diagnosed him as and pointed him in the direction of Ayn Rand. I am mailing him Atlas Shrugged and The Romantic Manifesto because i can't stand the bitch. I am not thrilled with his current psychic crises & new found philosophies, but i'm happy to see that at least he's thinking, which is more that i can say for most 23 year olds.

I worry he lacks empathy & understanding. The viewpoints he expresses to me are flawed because he does not take sociological factors into consideration. He truly believes that an upper class white male with a stable family life & a poor black male in the ghetto with a crackhead mom have the same opportunities. I do believe people should be accountable for the choices, however, what my brother needs to understand is that there is not a level "playing field" for children in this country.

I don't mind if he doesn't believe in God, or if he thinks drugs & guns should be legal. I have a problem with him not understanding that although he might have gotten into a bit of trouble in his youth & now works for the White House, that the "obstacles" he (a solid middle class, white male with two parents who went to good schools & church) overcame where in part due to the support system he had & the values our parents & church instilled in him. He was a normal fuck-o teenager who experimented with drugs, did poorly in school & never got in any real trouble. He did not grow up in a neighborhood with drug dealers & shootings with no one to give a shit about him. There is a difference.