memories are made of this

("Cigarette in the Ashtray" 2003, Kodak slide film)

It's one am and i can't fall asleep. i'm tired as hell but my brain refuses to stop running. If i was still a drunk i'd go get a glass of wine...or take some pills to calm the nasties in my head. I keep thinking about people i knew that are now dead.

See, this pregnant woman got killed by a drunk driver the other day and it really bothers me. Then i think about drunk drivers - i was once the victim of a drunk driver - i think about how many times i drove drunk, how many of my friends drive drunk on a regular basis, i am thinking about my friend Gabe that killed himself and another passenger Memorial Day weekend in 04 on route 30 in big rock coming back from a night of long drinking - i saw his dad at Jewel on Sunday - he had a tan because he just returned from the bahamas - see, the last two christmases he and his family have left for the islands during the holidays because it's too hard to be around here. his spirit was crushed the night his son died - gabe was the one who made him a dad and it's hard to look at him sometimes and not cry.

i watched this stupid movie on tbs tonight called Angel Eyes - it had j lo in it - i cried a lot towards the end - now i can't sleep cuz i feel sad. i want to wake my baby up and kiss her. i don't know why it sometimes feels good to be sad - not like some sixteen year old goth kid carving her flesh to The Cure sad - but just Sad - like, "damn, people i love will keep dying and that's ok, but it still hurts to know this"

Well, i'm ok, you're ok - Life is Suffering and calming white waves wash over me...

5.20.06

(still from "Funny Face"1957)
i finally sucked it up and decided to start planning our wedding. Ever since june when we got engaged we have been discussing the whole wedding thing. it started with steve wanting the traditional churchy thing with his bff's parading around him like lovesick penguins and me a gilded lily gracefully floating down the aisle... yeah freaking right - i am not one of those silly broads who started planning her wedding about the same time as her first menses. i just never cared or figured anyone would be nutty enough to marry me. i wanted none of the usual frills - i don't like being the center of attention and frankly i'm too lazy to plan a wedding. it's important to steve so i am planning away - but the ceremony isn't in a church and the reception won't be in some banquet hall with over-cooked prime rib or dried out chicken - it will be in the great out-of-doors - i'm picturing Gatsby's Last Stand. Yeehaw. Actually, i hate to admit but i'm sort of getting into the whole thing - but not to fear, i have a great attitude about it - i won't stress about perfection since it doesn't exist and if things to go as planned, oh freaking well, at the end of the day we'll still be married & our friends and family will have had free food and booze. I have my friend/maid of honor/bitch at my beck and call to reign me in - she told me "no swans!" damnit, that would have been ridiculously cool and completely pretentious. i still might try to sneak them in - 'course my folks are footing the bill and i'm not sure how they feel about ill-tempered avian decor.