Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Transmutation

It is similar to a large body of slow moving water. Really.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I Hate Babies, God & America

Hooray for
queers getting hitched,
people smoking cigarettes,
women having a choice
and God out of schools.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

As you sow, so shall you reap

A Rose and an Amaranth blossomed side by side in a garden,
and the Amaranth said to her neighbour,
"How I envy you your beauty and your sweet scent!
No wonder you are such a universal favourite."
But the Rose replied with a shade of sadness in her voice,
"Ah, my dear friend, I bloom but for a time:
my petals soon wither and fall, and then I die.
But your flowers never fade, even if they are cut;
for they are everlasting." (Aesop)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I beg your pardon

Monday, I saw a hummingbird up close for the first time and I'm still thinking about it tonight. I was sitting on the front stoop having a smoke when he suddenly appeared about two feet from my face hovering around some bright pink flowers. He was an iridescent greenish color and I was completely awestruck. It just seemed magical; like seeing a fairy or a chupacabra (maybe not quite like seeing a murderous, goat-sucking beast, but you get the general idea).

I think the point of this is not so much that I saw a hummingbird, but that my reaction was intense and damn joyful. I've been telling people all week about my siting and the response hasn't come anywhere close to validating my emotions. I am a lucky duck that a chance encounter with very small bird can bring me so much pleasure.

Finding happiness in the little things is what really matters because that's what comprises most of our lives. If you wait for something enormous or obvious you're wasting time and time is a precious commodity when it's all you really have. The idea that our breaths are numbered resonates with me tonight. I'm still scared and largely immobile, but I'm working on this whole bravery thing.

Today wasn't great. I spent it packing the remnants of my life, saying goodbye to scuffed floorboards and sweeping up broken glass. It was not wholly depressing as it indicates a sign of life on the horizon. It was an unpleasant undertaking, but I feel better now that it's almost over with. Saturday is for lifting heavy things. Any volunteers?

I didn't make the bed until about an hour ago. An unmade bed makes me feel angry and slovenly. If I don't make it in the morning I will do it at night, even if I am planning on going to bed immediately. I can't even see the bed right now, but if I hadn't fixed it I would not be able to concentrate.

Honestly, I may stupid to think this is normal,

But I do.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I spend entirely too much time thinking about food. My thoughts are currently trained on:

  • The chicken breast salad I am eating for lunch
  • What I'm going to buy at the grocery store in a bit
  • The meal I will be enjoying later this evening

I talk about food so damn much that people think there is something wrong with me. When I have a craving, its almost never something simple like a cheeseburger (though I do get burger cravings quite often these days...)

I have these elaborate fantasies that span multiple courses. Inside my world, a craving begins with a specific drink and ends with another. I spend too much time thinking about beverages as well, but that's an entirely different topic that I'm not quite ready to tackle.

An Example

  • Pouilly-Fuissé
  • Bread & olive oil
  • Wild mushroom bisque
  • Pinot Noir
  • Fennel & dijon mustard pork tenderloin
  • Risotto with pomegranate seeds
  • Espresso
  • Tiramisu
  • Drambui

I am well aware that my petite bourgeoisie daydreams about something as simple as nourishment are obnoxious but I can't help it. This is how I operate.

I am looking forward to going out to dinner tonight with a group of friends, some of whom I hardly see anymore. I am very fortunate to have several good, and few truly wonderful people in my life. I hope that those people know how much they mean to me. Life has been surprisingly kind to me and the randomness with which things happen gives me cause to believe that some things are not coincidental.

Monday, September 17, 2007

I like Toast

I regret how silently this page sits. I am forcing myself to write something this morning. I have no profound observations or dirty laundry to air, just a quiet sense of accomplishment. I spent Saturday doing a whole lot of nothing and a little bit of something. My brain got a chance to stretch and I'm feeling a little more loose. Ideas are slowly starting to swell and I am remembering why life is interesting.

I spent a portion of the weekend trying to learn the ins and outs of my digital camera and figure out how to make it an extension of my eye. Like everything it has quirks, but with a little patience I think that we'll do just fine. It is frustrating at times, but ultimately very satisfying take some effort to work on things instead of getting pissy and zipping it up in it's bag. This is something new for me. I have made a commitment to not give up, even when I feel like throwing the damn thing against a brick wall.

I have more to say, but there is a small person who would like a banana and toast.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Bravery has it's rewards


(Georgia O'Keefe "Poppy")


Happy Sunday.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Addendum (Stick a fork in me...)

...because I'm done being nice. When am I going to learn that no matter what I do I still get crapped on? Take a wad of cash and shove it up your ass.

Tais-toi

I woke up a little after 8 this morning feeling pretty ambitious. Made some coffee and started to think about what I wanted to do with the day. First load of laundry is in the dryer and I am getting ready to clean the bathroom and run the vac. I've been screwing around a bit, phone calls and the ever-distracting WWW has occupied the last two hours. In a minute I will try and track down replacement bags for my Dad's vacuum.

Ani Difranco is going to be performing in Chicago in a couple of weeks and I would love to go. She is an incredibly talented person and as corny as it may sound, she has been a profound influence on me for the last eight years. "Not So Soft" literally changed my life and allowed me to extract myself from a continually destructive situation, as well as allowing me to make some admissions to myself regarding ideas of sexuality. Some day I will write a little more on this album, but right now I have too much to do.

I asked S if he wanted to watch M for that night, per his wishes regarding "first right of refusal", but all it did was hurt his feelings. I don't like making people feel bad and it seems that I'm doing a great job of it this morning.

I hate it when someone I care about is feeling crappy and there is nothing I can say or do to alleviate it. Seems that everything I say is wrong and I'd be better off just keeping my mouth shut.

Maybe I should go in to exile for the rest of the day. Dog knows I talk too damn much as it is.

Friday, September 07, 2007

This is not worth reading, seriously.

It's Friday night and I am alone, drinking a Guinness and trying to feel something. It doesn't help that I'm tired and had an irritating day at work. My employer is a merely huge jackass much of the time. I have worked for him since 1999. There were a couple of years that I had full-time employment elsewhere, but since 2001 I have been there consistently.

I don't feel like going in to detail about the crap I had to hear earlier today, but I will say that I winced several times and was made to feel pretty worthless for a good portion of the day.

My project of the day was creating some cheesy wall plaque for his hypermammiferous, Princess Tiggles. He asked me to do this after telling me that if I didn't like the way he ran things that I could "get the fuck out" She's been knocked up by some random bar patron that she must have let bone her sans condom and now she "feels like she's better of dead"

I spent a little time on it using Publisher and it turned out quite well if you ignore the content. I will compare it to Velveeta, the generic kind. After framing it and turning it over to him, he got weepy. Is there no God!? After the day's bullshit I had to watch a fat man cry.

Oh, and the most amusing part of the morning was the letter I typed right after he got done freaking out on me; it was to a local Priest, critiquing his Homily ("well-thought and beautiful") and talking about how he has attended Mass multiple times a week for over sixty years. If regular church-going inspires people to act like him outside the church walls, I'd rather work for someone who worships the Goat. He also asked the Priest to pray for him so that he may "pass through the narrow door" (the theme of the Homily). Apparently in the World According to Pat, one can be a full-time prick, but if you get some dude in a robe to say some magic words, all is forgiven.

Sorry, this post is crappy and bitchy and very poorly written. I'm a little agitated right now by many things and just want this turd of a day to be over.

I refuse to go back and edit anything either, so here it is - my poop on your computer screen.

Get some Windex, kids.