Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Four Seasons in One Day



Autumn has come early this year. Growth and maintenance have given way to trees shedding their leaves, people preparing to reap what they have sown.

There is a sad beauty in the death of so many things. Everywhere I look I see piles of red and gold gathered around the bases of people I love. It's cyclical and necessary and sometimes barely endurable.

I hate winter, the cold and dark have never been good for me. Every year it seems to last a bit longer. I think about moving to a more temperate climate someday, but I know I won't. I need the bitter chill to remind me to appreciate the sun on my face and the lush growth that follows.

I'm choosing to be uncomfortable for a while in order to live without becoming numb to everything around me. I am Afraid most of the time because I want to avoid pain, but that is only human.

Heavy coats and gloves will be out soon, insulation against the freezing Midwestern climate.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

"Do not remove a fly from a friend's head with a hatchet"


(The astrological chart for Osama bin Laden)

Tonight was a little rough. It never feels good to have someone assassinate what they perceive to be your character. Though it wasn't too bad, as I have been marinating in Novocaine for the past few weeks.

Lately it seems that I have only be able to incite anger, hurt and sorrow. I have disappointed many people. I have been too wrapped up in my own bullshit to carve out a bit of time to visit Katie and Ashlynn. I hope to seem them on Monday or Tuesday. Katie if you read this, once again I'm sorry for being so self-absorbed. I love you. I will be there this week with lots of clothes for the peanut.

I suffer from an acute case of the middle-class blues. If I were Amish I would not have time to worry about things like happiness and fulfillment. The problem is that we have too many choices and too much leisure. It gives us time to create conflict and search for things that are probably as real as the tooth fairy.

I wonder about the birth of the Tooth Fairy. Can you picture some guy thinking, "You know, I should pay my children for their lost primary teeth. But I have to do it incognito. I'll tell my kid to leave his incisor under the pillow for an oddly dressed person with wings to come for in the dead of night"

It's just freaking weird. And we don't even need to discuss the garishly dressed, obese man with a penchant for juveniles nesting in his lap. This year for Christmas I'm going to buy Santa a Lap-Band. He's too fat and I don't want my daughter exposed to such gluttony in the spirit of Christhings.

I have no desire to lie to Maddie about mythical people with weird fetishes bringing them things. And don't pull the whole, "you're depriving her of childhood whimsy" BS. No I am not, I'm choosing not to fill her head with rubbish. If she wants a little magic, she can go on a snipe-hunt.

Fuck the Tooth fairy. Santa can go get bent, and the Easter Bunny can choke on a cecotrope.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I wish I could sleep.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

"Apathy" the Musical

It's going to be big. Casting in progress.

Until then, I need to hire a mariachi band. And study.

Does anyone have Twyla Tharp's phone number?

That is all for now.

You took my joy, I want it back


Not you personally, but someone.

Maybe if I make some money, I'll find my joy. This is the thought of the day. I don't care about making shitloads of the stuff, but enough so that I feel a little more self-sufficient.

Welcome back.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Yoda says,

"Do or do not. There is no 'try'"

(I fully realize that the content of this post is far better suited for the self-indulgent rantings of someone under the legal drinking age)

For the last several months I have been in pursuit of higher education. Initially, I returned to school for the hell of it, as I have always enjoyed learning for it's own sake. I was also motivated by pride. I am a snob and highly embarrassed that I do not have a piece of paper validating my obviously superior intelligence. When I run into old classmates, I am ashamed that I do not hold some title. This is in stark contrast to the attitude I had in high school. I did not give a turd whether or not I had good grades or appeared to be smart. Why do I care so much now? And why am I starting to not care again?

I am a lazy, unmotivated person. I like doing things, but only when it feels good. It takes a lot for me to do things that are not absolutely necessary, unless I want to. This does not translate well. I am 27 years old and need to shit or get off the commode. Whether that means I continue my education, or find gainful employment, does not matter. In the last several years it has become easy for me to do very little. And if I really wanted to, I could continue doing very little. But I am at war with myself. My internal dialog has become an angry exchange between the hedonistic, epicurean Self and the other as-yet-to-be-defined Self.

At this moment I could be studying for my Sociology class, which I did for awhile earlier. There are many things I should be doing right now, but I choose to jerk-off on the computer at midnight instead. Sleep should be foremost, but lately I have not been able to knock off until after 2am.

I finished my book earlier this evening, which has given me some amount of freedom. I am trying to refrain from starting another until after my classes are completed. I say "try" too often. It is how I absolve myself of commitment. This is another character tumor that needs dire attention.

What is the point of all this self-pity? Making myself feel shitty isn't going to solve anything. I hope that I extract my head out of my ass long enough to stop being such a douche bag; before I have to live with more regrets for photographs I never took.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

For No One


Even traffic cones need a little love

Saturday, July 14, 2007

i promise i'll stop soon

You'll have to excuse me while i get this whole fascination with animal mating & courtship out of my system.

"The courtship of the Blue-footed Booby consists of the male flaunting his blue feet and dancing to impress the female. During the dance, the male will spread his wings and stomp his feet on the ground." (bluefootedboobyonwikipediahoorayhoorah)

hittin' it

I found some interesting information regarding sexual biology here

Tetraopes tetrophthalmus mating


that's hot

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Ariolimax columbianus! Mating!

http://bovitz.com/photo/traditional/jpgphotos/2006/2006-10/Banana_slugs_mating.jpg

"The Pacific banana slug is the second-largest species of land slug in the world, growing up to 25 cm (9.8 inches) long (the largest slug is Limax cinereoniger of Europe, which can reach 30 cm (12 inches) in length). It is native to the forest floors along the Northern Pacific Coast of North America" (thank you Wikipedia)

Did you know the nobel Banana Slug is the official mascot for University of California Santa Cruz? I hope that you have found this as interesting and informative as i have. If i have done anything right today, it was my superficial research into the life of the banana slug.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

i cannot find the title to this painting...


but i like it

For Your Consideration...

...vacillation rhymes with masturbation.

AND, I have been in limbo. Not the fun Chubby Checker Goes to the Islands brand either. I am trying to evolve from this ongoing, self-imposed stasis. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when i stopped caring, but it happened sometime in the last five years.

Once upon a time I felt confident in my endeavors. I had motivation and some sort of misguided ambition. I was free because i was not afraid. Though i am a resilient person, my ego has taken some blows over the years. And because of this i resigned myself to mediocrity and the path of least resistance. I am not going to kick myself in the ass anymore about any decisions i have made. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and get my journey in gear.

I have been trying to creatively solve my issues. I have been taking time to sift through the myriad of emotions i've been experiencing. And while there is nothing concrete yet, i am slowly reviving a sense of self and confidence.

This is not to say that i am healed or whole, but i am hopefully clawing my way to a place where the wounds and scars are less apparent.

The best and worst things in my life are other people. We hold mirrors up to one another, intentionally or otherwise. But we all look at things through a filter and our interpretations of other's actions and of our own, suffer as they are diffused through our desires and fears.

That is what life is pretty much about. Fear and Desire. We are wretched, simple creatures with delusions of grandeur. We sleep, eat, shit and screw like most any other species, but it's that super-sized frontal lobe that fucks us up every time. It leads us to try and ascribe meaning to the behaviors and motivations of others. Hooray for evolution.

Updates
My bestest girlfriend, Katie's baby was born yesterday after a long and painful (is there any other) childbirth. All 6lbs 5oz of little Ashlynn Rose sprang forth from Katie's vagina at 6:15am. I am so proud of her for intentionally becoming impregnated and birthing a new person. Her husband text (texted??) me a couple of pictures and i must say that she is quite adorable. Congratulations, Katie. May our daughters never meet and do the drugs we did as adolescents. XX!

AND Frank the Bunny is getting pretty big. When he poops it looks like someone spilled a bowl of Coco Puffs. Maddie has taken to calling him Frankpoop.

One final note: I Heart Yous

Monday, July 09, 2007

jack o'lantern

Heart.
Break.
Repeat.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

coma

tired so tired

Friday, July 06, 2007

100 Years Ago

Frida Kahlo was born. In honor of what would have been her 100th birthday, my mother & I are going to the National Museum of Mexican Art in Chicago
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Unfortunately, i only found out about the event earlier this week so i did not have enough time to put together a Frida-esque ensemble. I will be attending as a humble, awe-inspired gringa. Orale!

"Roots"

One of my personal favorites...
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Frida with "The Two Fridas"

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

thank you china

I am dreading tomorrow. I hate the 4th of July, it is my least favorite re-occurring event. I do not have any positive memories associated with this particular "holiday". I am always reminded of death & loss & waste.

My grandmother died 11 years ago today. She is the only person i have been really close to that has passed away. She had colon cancer & got to wear a neat little bag on her hip to collect waste. We didn't want her to suffer the indignity of dying in a nursing home, so she came to live with us.

Flashback 1994: My grandma came over everyday to keep an eye on my younger brother & i. Almost every morning that summer, Pam would walk over & we would have bagels & cream cheese, coffee & OJ & discuss our plans for the day (which usually consisted of what boys we would try to "accidentally" run in to). That was the summer before my freshman year of high school. (I didn't kiss a boy open-mouthed until Casimir Pulaski day later that year) I "became a woman" that summer (i was a late bloomer). Anyways, Pam & I would sit down with my grandma & she would tell us stories about the Depression, and what life was like for her as a little girl. She also yelled at us a lot. She was sort of scary for a short, chubby Romanian woman. But we loved her yelling at us. It meant she cared. And when Pam & i would take too long to get our asses in gear she'd demand that Pam went home immediately to shower & would make me go upstairs to bathe as well.

Back to '96: We had a hospital bed set up in our family room. A nice black woman named Mildred from the VNA would come everyday. My grandma would make me give her cigarettes, at the time i think i was smoking Marlboro Medium 100s (the day of my grandma's funeral i had a pack of Honey Bees).

I was dating my first serious boyfriend, Andy at that time & had recently "become a woman" in a different sense. One time he was over and my grandmother could not get up off the commode. Without a second thought or look of disgust he went in to the bathroom and helped her back to bed. A few weeks later, the day after The Flood, while we were sleeping on the living room floor of Kim's house with about ten other people, he told me he loved me. I remember looking at the green digital numbers on the VCR and thinking i would remember the exact time we said "i love you" for all eternity. However, I don't remember & haven't really thought about it until now.

Back to July 3rd - I didn't want to go out that night because i knew she was going to die soon. My mother insisted i go, saying that there was no point in sitting around. Both of my brothers were spending the night at friend's houses. I came home around 10 or so and gave her a kiss goodnight. She has stopped talking the day before, but i saw that she heard me. I went to bed & prayed for her to die. A little after 3am my mother came in to my room & told me she died. My Aunt came over & we walked around the subdivision smoking cigarettes until after the funeral home was done retrieving The Body. We returned to a pot of coffee & an empty hospital bed that still showed the imprint of her form. The dog began pacing around the room, put his paws up on the bed, came into the kitchen where we were sitting and began to cry. My dog loved her more than just about anyone & his pitiful canine cries punctuated the story.

There really isn't much more to say about it. When you're dead, it's over.

My grandmother's death isn't why i don't like the 4th, it was incidental. Fireworks make me cry. I spent too many years watching the fireworks, trying to hold back tears because i am not where i want to be. I remember standing on the New York Street bridge in 2002 & thinking about jumping off. I remember getting chigger bites in 1997 from lying on the grass in McCullough park with a boyfriend who always made me cry. I remember standing on the bridge over the pond in my subdivision in 1994 next to the boy i was in love with wishing he would love me too. I remember losing my cell phone in the lawn of Daleiden Mortuary while twirling around under the sprinklers at 2am in 2003.

I don't know what i am going to do tomorrow. I know what i am expected to do; attend an in-law family gathering & pretend that life is swell. I don't know if i can do it. Maybe i'll take lots of benadryl & try to sleep through the day because i don't know how to face it.

It sounds worse than it is. If tomorrow wasn't the 4th of July i would be fine, but something about the fireworks & the way the colors reflect on people's faces as they stare up into the sky makes me feel so fucking lost.

Today's the 4th of July...

"Independence Day"
(Ani Difranco)
we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp
on the 4th of july
we sat out on the hood with a couple of warm beers and watched the fireworks
explode in the sky
and there was an exodus of birds from the trees
but they didnt know, we were only pretending
and the people all looked up and looked pleased
and the birds flew around like the whole world was ending
and i don't think war is noble
and i don't like to think that love is like war
but i got a big hot cherry bomb, and i want to slip it through the mail slot
of your front door

you can't leave me here
i've got your back now
you'd better have mine
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal
and did i tell you how i stopped eating?
when you stopped calling me
and i was cramped up shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending that i was finally free

and you can't leave me here
now that your back
you'd better stay this time
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp,
on the 4th of july
and i planted my dusty boots on the bumper and sat out on the hood,
and looked up at the sky

Monday, July 02, 2007

the sun came up with no conclusion

Two paths submerged in pea-soup fog...and i can only wish for the bravery Frost spoke of. Some things are Unwell these days. I am failing in a large way. I am Afraid. Madeline and school offer some consolation. Otherwise...crapshoot.

(Today I am a Killer Satellite)